you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
