I hate all girls vehemently.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i love accidental penises.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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