Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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