Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
