so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
