It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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