that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
