i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
