dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize