Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
