wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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