Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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