I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
