am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
