He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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