after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We were destined to go to rehab together
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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