i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
