I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
