i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
