It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
