Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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