I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
