We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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