even my farts smell like vagina
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
