Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
