I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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