did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
