one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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