Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
