you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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