Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize