the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
