I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im six kinds of drunk right now
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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