I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
