Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.