if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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