Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
