my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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