Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
