Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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