sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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