i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
