I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
