my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
