I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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