Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
