apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
