I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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