oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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