woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
