alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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