I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
