he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
