My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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